I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
