Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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