just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize