mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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