when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
