So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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