Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
