if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
