I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
