I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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