matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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