I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
