mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
