life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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