just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
