She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
