I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize