Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
