i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
