I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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