i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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