So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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