I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
