dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
