I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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