oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Don't EVER smell your tampon
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
