Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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