Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
