Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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