she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
