I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
