There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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