What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
