Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
