just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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