Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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