So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
