Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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