The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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