Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
