it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
