please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
