Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
