Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
