wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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