Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
