I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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