I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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