Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
