There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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