Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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