i would punch a child for taco bell
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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