i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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