i always forget guys have bellybuttons
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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