I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
