I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
