My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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