please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
