just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
