i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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