I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
