I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
