If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
